To Divorce or Not??

[~Barbara~]

Hello. I am a 28YO Female with 2 kids (2,4). I am currently separated from my husband and pretty set on getting a divorce. I am at my wits end. I have tried all that I can do. I am in therapy, we have been to 3 counselors. I am humbling myself day by day. I have sacrificed to save our marriage. I ended a career in the US Navy, I prayed, and prayed until I lost my daily life balance. I fell into depression. I didn't know what else to do. I would have still been there if we didn't get evicted from our apartment. I just thought to myself...there is no way that God would treat his bride like this so why should I stand for it. My husband has really been selfish and stead fast in living the "single life" married. I am not saying that God will not change him but he is not willing right now.
I just need prayer. I started therapy and it feels like I am starting all over again. I know that I need patience but it hurts all over. I feel like if I do move on God will be disappointed and if I stay I would be miserable trying to make it work. Please pray for me...

[Carla]

Hi Barbara,

I am sorry to hear of what you are going through. It is horrible. It looks huge looming in front of us! BUT God is bigger than this!

I am going through a circumstance which sounds a bit similiar to yours. I am not separated, although my husband has told me he is going to leave due to my faith in Christ...he has not left. We have 2 boys (5 and 9). We are in counselling, and that is hard (very confronting) for my husband, but he is going. It is really hard for him to face what is being shown in our sessions. But I choose to continue to trust God. God cannot lie, God is Faithful. It is so easy to fall into a complaining attitude. God hates our complaining. We are to be thankful in all things...worry for nothing but pray for everything, and Rejoice always. Sounds hard right! Sure, in our own strength it is. It is God's Strength we need! We must always realize that God is bigger than our problems.

In many ways I can see my family falling apart. BUT GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS! My son has major anger issues so much so that he has been taken out of school. BUT GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS! My husband looks at me with contempt because I teach my children scripture and the ways of God. BUT GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS! My husband is only staying in the marriage for our kids! BUT GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS! There is more...need I go on?......GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF IT!

My dear, when we look at our problems they will consume us. They always look too big! That's not going to change. Our problems will not go away, circumstances will always be just that..Circumstances!

You are spending way too much time looking at your problems, you need to look at Jesus!

There is always something to learn. God wants to grow us up to use us for His Purpose. When we complain, we are basically saying to God "I don't believe that you are going to take care of this". Faith is the substance of believing what is unseen, knowing that God is faithful, and that His Word is truth.

Faith is believing in the Word of God and acting upon it, no matter how I feel, because God promises a good result.~James McDonald, Christian Author

James McDonald also goes on to say "Believing is not "I hope so" as in, "Wouldn't it be nice if..." It's much more than that. Believing is a lot more that just shallow hope. Believing is, "I have all my eggs in that basket. I've got all my dreams in that place. I'm 100% in, and I don't have a excape route." That's faith! But faith is not believing in a vacuum; it's belief based on the Word of God." I'm not believing the newspaper or the television or my neighbour or my boss. God wrote a book! I believe in a God who wrote a trustworthy book."

Titus 1:2
"In the hope of eternal life, which God, who cannot lie, promised long ages ago."

God's Word doesn't say He won't lie or doesn't lie....HE CANNOT LIE!

I know it hurts all over! I truly know what that feels like. When we are in the depths of it even the air around us hurts! BUT GOD IS BIGGER THAN ALL OF IT!

1 John 5:4-6 says:
For every child of God defeats this evil world, and we achieve this victory through our faith. And who can win this battle against the world? Only those who believe that Jesus is the Son of God.

James Macdonald also says this....(which is so true): Faith is not just part of the Christian life, It's the whole thing. The Christian life is a life of faith. Go forth...trust God! Talk to Him. Lay it all out for Him, bare your soul to the creator of the Universe!

God says : Do not Judge others or you will be judged. God also says: Forgive others as I have forgiven you.

Be careful that a bitter-root does not get a foothold.....it can creep in so easily. You must guard your own heart and the hearts of your children.

My dear reading our bibles is of the utmost importance. In order to fight back the lies of the enemy, we must know our scripture. God's Word is sword of the Spirit. The Holy Spirit brings God's Truth to mind for us as we need it to fight off the lies.

I have truly spoken this in love....feeling your pain. I know how it hurts! Let go and Let God!
In Him, Carla

[eve]

Amen sis Carla, this is so inspiring....

It really struck a core to heart for every man or woman who are struggling with marriage problems. Thus let us be courageous & strong and stand for our marriage.
To trust GOD will heal all marriages. "For He hated divorce"

For nothing is impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

Be encourage!
Ur sis in christ, eve

[Greg, TheNET Coordinator]

Barbara,

Could you clarify what you mean by, "My husband has really been selfish and stead fast in living the "single life" married"? I take it to mean that he's having sexual relations with other women. Is that what you mean?

Not to contradict anything that my sister, Carla, has said because her advice is sound... But if that is true that he is having sex with other women and is persistent and unrepentant, you have solid biblcial grounds for divorce. While I don't advocate divorce and it is not required that you divorce him, it may be best to end this relationship so he might have a chance to come to his senses and you will not have to be abused in the manner.

[Carla]

Yes...Barbara. I overlooked what brother Greg is now bringing into the light. This is absolutely an important thing to acknowledge and pray about...Continue to seek Counselling especially with a biblically minded Christian Counsellor.

[Sara]

I am going through a divorce because my husband left me for another woman and he only cares about making himself happy so I know when you talk of selfishness. I discovered something in a book that I took to heart and it lifted me, I hope it does the same for you. It shows us how much we are WORTH is God's eyes.

W-Women and men have the same Biblical standard: faithfulness. Expecting a man to be faithful in a love relationship is a reasonable request.

O-Only God can change your man and your relationship. Your nagging or wishful thinking isn't going to work. Pray, live respectfully and let God deal with you husband.

R-Raise the bar. Sometimes we confuse or own self-worth with how others treat us. Instead of lowering the bar of expectations, taking what you can get in the love department, know that you are worthy of extravagent love the kind of love that motivated Jesus to die for you.

T-Tell yourself that your identity in Christ makes you his precious, prized possession. Because you are created in his image and you belong to him, you deserve love, respect and honor.

H-He is faithful. God sees. Do what's right, regardless of what your husband does, and entrust yourself to God to make things right in the end.

Now saying all that, I still do not want a divorce. I have given my marriage and my husband over to God. I pray that he will return him as the husband I deserve but that depends on God's will. I am living my life in accordance to what God wants for me and that is enough. I pray that you find peace and know that God loves you.

[Brooke]

I would need more information to answer this question properly. My suggestion is to read about the duties as a wife and a husband in the bible. It tells you your duty as a wife and your husbands. I have been married twice. I am in my second marriage and I know how hard of a descion it was to make. When you say that God wouldnt treat his bride like that, what do you mean? I agree that God is a loving God. But he ultimatly lets us CHOOSE the life we want. Before you make the plunge into divorce, stick with your counseling, but I will suggest a Christian counciling sessions. If you can, get Hubby to go aswell. If he wont, then go on your own. Remember, this is life altering for you, your small kids, and extended family. Nothing will ever be the same. With my first marrage I was forced into marriage at age 17. I stayed with an abusive, cheating, drug using, loser. It was the hardest 4 years of my life. I was a believer, and he wasn't, he let me go. So, I was released from that situation. God didnt ordain that marriage at all. He sent me the man he had for me all along. There are sooo many things that happened and things the Lord showed us both, that we knew we were for one another. Even still our marriage goes through ups and downs, times where I wanna smack him and then times I am reminded he is my sweet husband. We have gone through a lot of trouble times together. Satan has been attacking our relatioship from day one. That is where we need Gods strength and we MUST know his word and promises. We too, have gone through eviction, job loses, we sold all of our belongings at flee markets, and had no food. This doesnt mean we are not meant to be. It was a trial that we were going through. Just recently, we have gotten back on our feet, and it has been a lot of work and learning to WAIT on the Lord. ( very hard thing to do) But, I was standing in the store, and we just got cell phones again after many months of not having that luxury..and I smiled and remembered where we had just came from! It made me appreciate going through that with my Husband. Anyways, enough about me, ask yourself or write it down, why do you want to divorce him. If it is because you are tired of him doing this or that, I would say not a good reason. Divorce is a back door that too many people take to run from simple problems. As Christians, we go through the same or harder tribulations, BUT we have our house built on solid foundation..Jesus Christ! If I can be of anymore assistance write me again. I hope this truely lifts your spirit, and helps you in this very serious desciosion. Brooke :)

[Fredric]

Thanks Barbara for seeking the advice of many.There is no marriage without misunderstandings. Every marriage has the ups and downs in the earlier years. But it all depends on how you view the situation . You may say that your husband is wrong but if we ask your husband you may be shocked to hear him saying that your are the cause of his problems(am not sayiing it is so).The blame game. Unless your husband is jumping the fence outside ,and if it is so then the issue must be addressed seriously.You may separate shortly to give him time to come to his senses..But remember our LORD does not advocate for divorce.What GOD has put together no man has power to separate it.
Before you end up with divorce decision my advice is : Sit down, try to see the other side of your husband, ask yourself why is he doing so... Who knows GOD may use you to bring a change in his life.

Thanks.

[fostersmartin]

Hi,
Interesting, I have come across few websites indicating that they help getting divorced without hiring a legal attorney. Is that true? Can someone enlighten me on this? I need to get divorced as I have a bad family life but at the same time, I would like to not get stuck in many legal issues.

[Greg, TheNET Coordinator]

Hi! Can you elaborate on what you mean by "bad family life"?

To keep things in perspective, let's remember God's view of divorce according to the Bible:

"For I hate divorce!" says the Lord, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the Lord of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife" (Malachi 2:16, New Living Translation).

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery" (Matthew 19:8-9).

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him (1 Corinthians 7:12-14).

Therefore, contrary to what our culture says, the only legitimate reason in God's eyes for divorce is one of the spouses having sex with someone else and not repenting of it. Even then it is the option of last resort. Divorce signifies "hardness of heart" on the part of one or both of the parties. Getting divorced for any reason other than this puts one on very dangerous ground with God. Don't put your eternal life at risk!

[stanleyjesen]

Hi fostersmartin,

I think it would be good if you can find the right attorney. Some of them do not charge for the initial consultation, so you need to confirm if there is the charge when you set the appointment for your first visit. I am just not focusing on money but you should not lose your savings just to get divorced. I recently had the same issue but found a interesting resource and would like to share with you. You can try www.nobsdivorceguide.com and hope they can help you. All the best.

[renee1976]

well this year has been really hard on me. my husband left in feb. and took every penny we had in the bank. he drove to las vegas he did not call to check on me or the kids. he showed back up at the door in 20 days. things were getting better then in july he left again this time to atlantic city, new jersey and then he went to his moms. now, the day afte r christmas he left again, someone at his job said he was talking to another women. i am all tore what do i do? i take my vows with my whole heart. but i cant live in fear of him leaving again and the stress on the kids. i do love my husband with my whole heart. he is my best friend

[LT]

Renee1976,

It is difficult to give specfic advise on your situation as there are too many details that are unknown to us, but there are some things we can focus on. 1) I encourage you to find a Christian counselor in your area. You may need to try several until you find the one that you feel comfortable with. Seek to get your husband to go as well, but if he will not, you need to go anyway. 2) You are to be praised for your love and devotion. Many in your situation would have given up already, but you have not. 3) Your husband has an addiction to gambling, based on what you have disclosed. He needs help. He may not want the help but he needs it just the same. 4) This is pure speculation with the limited information given, but it appears that his addiction leads him to do something stupid (gamble) and after losing all he has, it is possible he feels guilt and shame which led him to stay away for 20 days or go to his mother's house. 5) Your mind is going to wander to the worst case scenerio. What does "talking to a woman mean?" Has he been seen speaking to his supervisor who is female, chatting at the water cooler with a coworker or ???. You need to discover the truth regarding this allegation. I am not defending your husband or making excuses, but sometimes people misperceive a situation or just lie and sometimes they are right.

Now some specific questions to help you further. You do not need to reply, but can if you wish. These are for you to ponder. Are you a Christian? Do you have a home church in which to draw strength from? You do not have to share this with the congregation, but there are many benefits to being in the company of a loving group of believers. Have you spoken to your pastor? Your pastor is suppose to be there for you, someone you should be able to confide in and seek wisdom from. Lastly, seek counseling for you and him. If he will not go, go without him. You need it. If finances are a problem, some Christian counselors will work with you. If not, then many qualified pastors do not charge for counseling sessions. You may also try the Christian counselor who is here on AAG. I do not know her well, except what I have seen of her here (not a negative, but hard to heartily endorse someone if you do not know them well. No dsirespect is meant towards Dr. Durham by this comment). Her name is Dr. Cheryl Durham. She has offered her help here and would probably be willing to work with you.

Last thing. Immerse yourself in God's Word. I recommend reading Colossians and 1 John. Both are "pick-me-up" books for me. Prayer and fellowship are also important. You also could use an accountability/prayer partner. This person needs to be chosen carefully. You want someone you trust to be straight and honest with you, not just telling you what you want to hear.

My heart goes out to you and my prayers are being lifted up for you,
LT