All About GOD - Growing Relationships with Jesus and Others
A Story of Hope
"...for I am the LORD that healeth thee." - Exodus 15:26 -
A Story of Hope
I grew up in Blaine, Mn and came from an abusive background. As a young child in elementary school, I was constantly picked on, pushed down, spit at, chased home every day, teased, harassed, and hated for all of my childhood by the neighborhood children. Still to this day, I don't have a clue why they hated me so much. It seemed the more that I tried to make friends, the more they would hate me and abuse me. At home, I was abused throughout my childhood until about the age of eleven. I learned in a real big hurry not only could I not trust other children, but also adults.
While my mother was extemely and horrifically abusive, my dad was an alcoholic who did not have time for us children. I grew up with no guidance, no "I love you-s", no hugs and encouragement, only constant condemnation, and the constant reminder of being truly alone and unloved, although I had family members around me. I felt completely and utterly empty. I felt that I had absolutely no hope of a normal family life at home. I felt so unwanted and unloved to the point that I would often question why I had even been born to begin with.
I was very envious of other families that I knew that had a loving relationship with their parents. Often times I would imagine that I had this 'wonderful' family who loved me and doted on me with all of the love, affection and attention that I craved so badly to have in my life, but it was not so. Oh, how I longed to be loved and belong to someone, anyone.
I grew up to become extremely rebellious. I ran away from home several times only to end up in juvenile centers. Many times I would find myself in extremely dangerous situations while I was in the 'big city' looking for something that I had absolutely no clue of what it was that I was searching for to begin with. Everywhere that I went, I found nothing to satisfy my hunger for love and acceptance. Everything that I did was so disappointing time and again, and made my feelings of unworthiness worse than ever before. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could fill the void - the emptiness that I felt inside of me.
As I grew older, I fell into abusive relationships with men, only to end up beat and bloodied. Yet, I was so desperate for attention, for love, that I put up with it. It was all that I knew. And so it began a lifestyle that was far worse than any beating that I had ever suffered before in my life. After being raped, beat as a battered wife, held hostage for 4 1/2 hours with a 30.06 rifle that was scoped in on me, rejected, abandoned, abused by my family, and disowned by the world, I turned to drugs and alcohol as an escape from the reality of my problems. The 'true' reality of it was that my problems became worse the more that I abused the drugs and alcohol, but I could not see that back then. I was headed towards a downward spiral right into the very deepest depths of despair that ended in the deepest pit of the booze bottle filled with deadly drugs. Quite the coctktail.
I quickly became a hard-core drug addict who was slowly drowning my drug addiction in seas of hard booze. Days turned into weeks that I would stay high on Methamphetamine continuously while pouring over the sorrows of my love-less childhood, adulthood and an extemely abusive failed marriage. I felt like used trash. I felt so completely and utterly worthless. I felt as though I was unworthy of anyone's time, affection, or love. My life to me was hell on earth. I was a total loser in my eyes.
After a very short period of time, the Meth was starting to take its toll on everything about me. I had rapidly lost weight. So much weight, in fact, that everywhere that I went, people would question me if I was dying of AIDS. My weight was down to 80 pounds, my face looked sunken in and skeletal, my body was sketetal with my bones and ribs showing through, my thighs were as big as my wrists, I had patches of hair missing all over my head from pulling strands of it out while high, and my face was marked with sores from picking at my skin while I was high.
I quickly became paranoid from the Meth in my system, and I tore apart every appliance that I had in my home because I was convinced that they were 'bugged' by the Feds. Too many times my home would be scattered with torn apart phones, answering machines, game systems, hair dryers, toasters, coffee pots, televisions, vcr's, and anything else that I could get my hands on.
Then came the final blow to my torture and self-hatred. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer, and I had mixed feelings on that. Part of me was very distraught at the mere thought of losing my mother, and the other part of me was trying to reason with-in myself that she actually deserved it for all of the times that she had abused me throughout my childhood.
Then came the day that I called my mother while I was extremely high on Meth, and confronted her on something that I was angry at her for. I ranted and raved at her, not caring how it affected her. I wanted to 'get back' at her for all of the abuse and hurt that she had inflicted upon me while I was growing up. After calling her many filthy names, I slammed the phone down, hanging up on her. She died shortly afterwards.
So it started another endless drug and alcohol binge that lasted for three months. During that time, an angry drug dealer had gotten his hands on me. This man was a 'friend' and fellow 'Meth Cooker' who I had dealt with several times before. When he came to my apartment and told me that he wanted me to go somewhere with him, I had no reason to be afraid of him, and so I went.
This angry drug dealer brought me to an abandoned trailer where he then told me, in his own Meth-induced paranoia, that he was convinced that I was a 'snitch', a confidential informant for the police, and he started questioning me about certain people that he was paranoid about. The more that I told him that I did not have a clue what he was talking about, the angrier he became.
He then rigged up the trailer with small gas and propane cylinders with fuses and wires attached to them, and told me that if I tried to escape, the trailer would blow up. I was given one glass of water to drink, and that was it. When I drank the water, I started feeling dizzy and light-headed, and suddenly became so high that I could no longer tell reality from hallucination. I had later found out the hard way that he had laced the water with enough Meth to kill a horse.
He told me about who he thought were informants, one of whom was later found dead by the police, hung from a tree, and he kept questioning me, convinced that I was a 'snitch'. He would then walk up to me and punch me, lightly at first, and I would punch back by reflex, then he would punch me harder. I finally quit fighting the beatings, because the more I fought, the harder he would punch.
He then told me that he and his partners had taken my best friend, murdered him and had pushed him back in to a shallow grave that they had dug out in the country. At that point, I was so high from the 'water' that he had given to me, that I was starting to picture, very vividly, what it was that he was telling me about my friend, and I started freaking out. I kicked and screamed, trying to free myself, all the while he sat back on an old couch that was at this trailer and laughed at me. Once again, I was useless against the danger that I had unknowingly put myself in.
After being beat on for three days and after three days of virtual torture via hallucinogenic mind games, I was again overdosed on drugs and I had a complete psychotic (nervous) breakdown. This man took me, after he overdosed me for the final time, and dumped me back off at my apartment.
There, after a 911 call, the police found me sitting with my arms wrapped around my legs and rocking in a corner of my apartment, babbling incoherently about my friend being murdered. They thought that I had actually comitted the murder, and they put an APB out for my friend. Thank God they found him alive in Duluth, MN.
The police then called child protection, took my children away from me, placed them in foster care, and deemed me an unfit mother. They tried to pick me up from the floor, but I fought them by kicking and screaming. I was not only hallucinating, but I was so traumatized by everything that had gone on, including everything else in my lifetime that had caught up to me at that particular moment, that not only did I fight them, but I was convinced that everyone was trying to kill me. I fought them so much, that they called an ambulance, got a strait jacket on me and had to pick me up to put me in the ambulance.
Once in the ambulance, I fought them even more, convinced in my tortured mind that they were bringing me somewhere where this man that had me before would be, and then they would all kill me. I kicked and screamed, trying to bite them every time they came near me. I wanted to die, convinced that I would rather die from an overdose than from them trying to torture and kill me, like I was convinced that this other man, my so-called 'friend' had done to my best friend. I did not know at the time that they had found my best friend alive at his brother's home in Duluth.
I spent three days in a psychiatric hospital in St. Paul, MN. The first night that I was there, they had to once again restrain me because I was combative. They put me in another strait jacket, and strapped me down to a bed in a room with rubber padded walls. They then shot me in the hip with something to counter-act the Meth that was in my system. I screamed blood curdling screams as they did this because I was convinced that they had just shot me up with something that was going to kill me instantly. The last thing that I remember hearing them say was that I had enough Meth in my system to kill a horse and that I should have been dead. Then everything went dark.
The drug that they had shot me with had also 'put me to sleep'. I felt like I was indeed asleep, but at the same time, I felt like I was floating above my body looking down at myself dying on the bed. Then everything went dark again. Suddenly, I heard a noise, and while I was 'sleeping', I looked over towards the door where the noise was coming from. I saw a brilliant light so bright that it hurt my eyes to look at it. In the midst of this light, I saw a shadowy figure coming towards me. I felt absolutely no fear, only peace.
Although I could not make out this tall man's face or features because of the brightness of the light, I knew that He was someone that I did not have to fear. He came over to my bedside, placed His hand on me, and I instantly felt warmth enter into my body. Then it all went dark again, only this time, I fell into a deep sleep. I awoke the next morning, feeling absolutely wonderful. I had no ill effects of the Meth that had been in my system at all, and did not go through any sort of withdrawal. I even had a very healthy appetite, and ate large meals when they un-strapped me from the bed.
The doctors could not figure it out. They thought for sure that I would be sick to my stomach and feeling the effects of the Meth for days to come. But yet, here I was, feeling absolutely no effect, and feeling quite fine. Only, sad to say, even after thinking about the Tall Man who had come into my room during the night and touched me, I still did not get it about Who He was, nor did I question it any further.
I just considered myself lucky, and left the psychiatric hospital after 3 days. I did not know how to deal with anything, with life any more. I could not deal with my children being taken away. I was unable to deal with the empty house with my childen not being there. So, I dealt with it the only way that I knew how to. I dealt with it by going on a massive drinking binge. A short while after starting my drinking binge, I was pulled over for my second D.U.I in less than six months and was brought to jail. It changed my life forever.
I was sitting in jail comtemplating suicide at the mess that I had created over my life time. And on top of the mess of my pathetic life, getting pulled over again with another D.U.I had really hurt my case to get my children back from foster care. The county had already warned me when they had taken my kids from me, that if I ever wanted to see my children again, I would have to stay clean, no drinking and no drugs. I was court-ordered to stay clean if I ever wanted my children back again, and I had blown it.
I had hit rock bottom, and I had no way to climb out of the dark pit that I had managed to cast myself in to. I felt that there was absolutely no hope for me. None at all. I felt as though no matter how hard I tried, that I would be unable to have any sort of normal life. I was in utter despair, and became extremely despondant while sitting in jail dwelling on my new-found problems, while still being tortured in my mind over the problems of my past.
After much thought, I decided then that I was going to go ahead and commit suicide because I couldn't stand myself any longer. I didn't like what I had become, and I couldn't stand what I had done to my children by betraying their trust and having them being removed from me.
I just decided that the best thing to do would be to just give up, letting my children be raised by someone else so that they would have a chance at a better life than what I had been giving them. I also reasoned in my mind that nobody would miss me if I died, neither. I had burned all of my bridges, and had lost my family, my friends, my home, my possessions, my income, my children, and almost my life at the hands of a crazed drug dealer who tried to murder me, and I just could not see any hope in anything in my life at all.
It was then that I began to bite down on the thin sheets that were in my cell. I was going to shred them and use them to hang myself from the top bunk of the cell's bed. I bit down into the sheet, only to discover that I could not get them to shred past about 6 inches down. No matter how hard I bit into them trying to tear them, it was as though they were made of steel. I quickly looked around the room for something, anything, sharp that would be of use to me to finish shredding those sheets so that I could kill myself. I found nothing that would be of use to me.
Then the one and only other girl in our cell block invited me to go to a church service that they were having at the jail. At first I refused, but then I decided that I was going to go to this church service as kind of a 'last rites' thing for myself (I used to be Catholic). Yep, I was going to go to church and do the "good-bye cruel world" thing, and then go back to my cell and find something, anything, to shred those sheets with, and kill myself. Heck, if I was lucky, I would be able to find something at the church service that I could smuggle back into my cell and use to help shred the sheets that I so badly wanted to use as a noose for myself.
Instead, Jesus had other plans.
I attended that church service while I was in jail, mainly just to be able to get out of my cramped jail cell, do the 'last rites' thing on myself, and to look for something to shred the sheets with. At first I hated that church service. They had all these HAPPY people coming in to do the services, and I loathed every single one of them. I hated the way that they were always smiling and laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. After all, NOBODY could be THAT happy. It just did not exist in my world.
In spite of my feelings for the church people, I continued to sit at their service. Soon a couple of female pastors took over the service, and one of them wanted to pray for me. I cringed at her touch, but deep down inside of me I longed for ANYONE'S touch of love and compassion. One of the women kept telling me of a God by the Name of Jesus who would accept me just as I was.
I looked at her and told her, "Look, lady. YOU don't know what you're talking about. There is NO WAY that your God would accept me. I'm too dirty for Him. He's too Holy for me. I'm a worthless junkie that your God would not even give the time of day to." She replied, "You don't know our Jesus!"
Something was beginning to happen to me, and I didn't know what it was. I was wanting to believe so badly what this woman was saying, what she was teaching from the Bible, which she kept referring to as 'God's Word'. I was also starting to have some sort of curiosity come over me to 'test the waters' to see if this Jesus Person that they spoke of really existed or not.
After several times of these women praying for me, that day when I returned to my lonely jail cell, I decided to test this thing called Salvation. Deep inside I longed for love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Oh, how I ached for it. I wanted to believe that there was a way out of this horrible mess of a life. It was then that I decided that I was going to see if this Jesus really existed. I got up from my cell cot and went over to the big steel door that was open about three inches, and I swung it wide open and declared, "Okay, Jesus. If You REALLY do exist, then come on in and save me."
Suddenly it was as though an invisible rush of energy overtook the atmosphere. I immediately sensed His presence and I began weeping as I have never wept before. As I lay on my cot broken, I was at peace, and felt Arms of Love around me.
As I lay in the arms of my new-found Savior, I poured my heart out to Him. He knew my despair, and He took it from me. He told me that He loved me, and that He was willing to forgive me of all of my sins. He told me that it did not matter how bad the sin was, the only thing that mattered was that I came to Him. I told Him that if He would take my life and make me what He wanted for me to be, if He would help me to have a life, a REAL life without drugs and alcohol, that I would serve Him for the rest of my life.
All of a sudden my heart was filled with over-whelming joy, and I no longer had a care in the world. I simultaneously found myself stress-free, and I felt the weight of a life time of horror being lifted from me. From that day on, I was always smiling, laughing, and dancing around in my tiny cell with complete joy and happiness at my new-found freedom. I started attending church services with such passion, as I became on fire for more knowledge of God. I talked to Jesus daily, and clung to His promise that He would never leave me. I was swallowed up in the attention, affection, and love that He was pouring down on me, more so by the day. I was completely swallowed up in the love and attention that I was, and still am getting from Jesus.
Shortly after being saved, I finished my 40 day sentence (I'm still floored by the 40 day thing, because I was looking at a 90 day to 1 year sentence) and I voluntarily placed myself into treatment where for the first time in my life, I had a burning desire to really change my life style. I exceeded in treatment, and graduated early. I returned to my apartment and continued with my treatment aftercare.
After I returned home, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, and offered myself to Jesus as a living sacrifice and testimony of the Mercy and Saving Grace of God. I offered myself to Him as a living testimony of true Salvation and the Saving Power of Jesus Christ. I just offered myself to Him...
Shortly there-after I placed my faith once again in Jesus and got my violation of probation sentence drastically reduced, for the second time, from 1 year and a day to next to nothing by giving it to Jesus and letting Him fight my battles for me.
All of a sudden people that I never even met before came forward to pay my bills, and I got the rent paid on my apartment for the time that I was gone in jail. I got my driver's license back in 6 months after it being revoked for 10 years. I got insurance and a vehicle with-in one week of getting my license back. I got all my bills paid up, and I got a REAL job for the first time in my life shortly after I returned home.
I cried out to my God about my children, and how I longed to have them back. I cried out to my God, Jesus, distraught, and wept before Him as I asked Him why my children, whom were still in foster care, had to suffer for what I did.
Then one day shortly after crying out to Jesus, I was sitting at home and out of the blue child protection called. The worker assigned to my case told me "We don't know why we're doing this, it goes against our recommendations, but we are court-ordering your children back into your home. They'll be home tomorrow."
It was so long since they were removed, and it was shortly before the deadline was up for the state to keep them permanently. I got on my knees and I thanked Jesus, and I wept like I have never wept before!
I have gotten blessing after blessing from my Father since I was saved, by far the greatest of these blessings being His Son, Jesus!!! Because of Him, I got my life back!!! Because of Him, I was snatched back from the brink of death and put into a place of Eternal Life through Him!!! Because of Him, I am FREE from not only drugs and alcohol, but also FREE from the torment of my past, for I am made new through Him!!! He delivered me from all of my demons, trials and tribulations, and He continues to take good care of me, even now!!!
I no longer feel worthless. I know that I am loved and cherished by my Heavenly Father. I know that I am totally pleasing in the eyes of my Father. I have never felt more loved and accepted in my life. I praise God and I thank Him for giving me Jesus. No longer do I have to do sinful things just to try to fit in with the crowd. I actually fit in with the Right Family all along, but just found that out the hard way for most of my life. I will never forget that day I got saved in my jail cell on November 18, 1999! I wouldn't trade what I have with Jesus for anything in the world. And I fit in....at last!!!
NOTE: Is it any wonder that I have a heart for the lost and hurting? It is my desire to get through to the 'unloved', the 'unwanted', the 'unsaved', the 'backslidden', the 'chemically dependent', the 'abused', 'abandoned', 'rejected' and 'hurt' people all over the world and let them know that there is a way out, and His Name is Jesus! I want them to know that if Jesus can save an ex-'junkie' like me, that He is willing to save THEM and change their lives forever as well!
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A Story of Hope
I grew up in Blaine, Mn and came from an abusive background. As a young child in elementary school, I was constantly picked on, pushed down, spit at, chased home every day, teased, harassed, and hated for all of my childhood by the neighborhood children. Still to this day, I don't have a clue why they hated me so much. It seemed the more that I tried to make friends, the more they would hate me and abuse me. At home, I was abused throughout my childhood until about the age of eleven. I learned in a real big hurry not only could I not trust other children, but also adults.
While my mother was extemely and horrifically abusive, my dad was an alcoholic who did not have time for us children. I grew up with no guidance, no "I love you-s", no hugs and encouragement, only constant condemnation, and the constant reminder of being truly alone and unloved, although I had family members around me. I felt completely and utterly empty. I felt that I had absolutely no hope of a normal family life at home. I felt so unwanted and unloved to the point that I would often question why I had even been born to begin with.
I was very envious of other families that I knew that had a loving relationship with their parents. Often times I would imagine that I had this 'wonderful' family who loved me and doted on me with all of the love, affection and attention that I craved so badly to have in my life, but it was not so. Oh, how I longed to be loved and belong to someone, anyone.
I grew up to become extremely rebellious. I ran away from home several times only to end up in juvenile centers. Many times I would find myself in extremely dangerous situations while I was in the 'big city' looking for something that I had absolutely no clue of what it was that I was searching for to begin with. Everywhere that I went, I found nothing to satisfy my hunger for love and acceptance. Everything that I did was so disappointing time and again, and made my feelings of unworthiness worse than ever before. Nothing, absolutely nothing, could fill the void - the emptiness that I felt inside of me.
As I grew older, I fell into abusive relationships with men, only to end up beat and bloodied. Yet, I was so desperate for attention, for love, that I put up with it. It was all that I knew. And so it began a lifestyle that was far worse than any beating that I had ever suffered before in my life. After being raped, beat as a battered wife, held hostage for 4 1/2 hours with a 30.06 rifle that was scoped in on me, rejected, abandoned, abused by my family, and disowned by the world, I turned to drugs and alcohol as an escape from the reality of my problems. The 'true' reality of it was that my problems became worse the more that I abused the drugs and alcohol, but I could not see that back then. I was headed towards a downward spiral right into the very deepest depths of despair that ended in the deepest pit of the booze bottle filled with deadly drugs. Quite the coctktail.
I quickly became a hard-core drug addict who was slowly drowning my drug addiction in seas of hard booze. Days turned into weeks that I would stay high on Methamphetamine continuously while pouring over the sorrows of my love-less childhood, adulthood and an extemely abusive failed marriage. I felt like used trash. I felt so completely and utterly worthless. I felt as though I was unworthy of anyone's time, affection, or love. My life to me was hell on earth. I was a total loser in my eyes.
After a very short period of time, the Meth was starting to take its toll on everything about me. I had rapidly lost weight. So much weight, in fact, that everywhere that I went, people would question me if I was dying of AIDS. My weight was down to 80 pounds, my face looked sunken in and skeletal, my body was sketetal with my bones and ribs showing through, my thighs were as big as my wrists, I had patches of hair missing all over my head from pulling strands of it out while high, and my face was marked with sores from picking at my skin while I was high.
I quickly became paranoid from the Meth in my system, and I tore apart every appliance that I had in my home because I was convinced that they were 'bugged' by the Feds. Too many times my home would be scattered with torn apart phones, answering machines, game systems, hair dryers, toasters, coffee pots, televisions, vcr's, and anything else that I could get my hands on.
Then came the final blow to my torture and self-hatred. My mother was diagnosed with colon cancer, and I had mixed feelings on that. Part of me was very distraught at the mere thought of losing my mother, and the other part of me was trying to reason with-in myself that she actually deserved it for all of the times that she had abused me throughout my childhood.
Then came the day that I called my mother while I was extremely high on Meth, and confronted her on something that I was angry at her for. I ranted and raved at her, not caring how it affected her. I wanted to 'get back' at her for all of the abuse and hurt that she had inflicted upon me while I was growing up. After calling her many filthy names, I slammed the phone down, hanging up on her. She died shortly afterwards.
So it started another endless drug and alcohol binge that lasted for three months. During that time, an angry drug dealer had gotten his hands on me. This man was a 'friend' and fellow 'Meth Cooker' who I had dealt with several times before. When he came to my apartment and told me that he wanted me to go somewhere with him, I had no reason to be afraid of him, and so I went.
This angry drug dealer brought me to an abandoned trailer where he then told me, in his own Meth-induced paranoia, that he was convinced that I was a 'snitch', a confidential informant for the police, and he started questioning me about certain people that he was paranoid about. The more that I told him that I did not have a clue what he was talking about, the angrier he became.
He then rigged up the trailer with small gas and propane cylinders with fuses and wires attached to them, and told me that if I tried to escape, the trailer would blow up. I was given one glass of water to drink, and that was it. When I drank the water, I started feeling dizzy and light-headed, and suddenly became so high that I could no longer tell reality from hallucination. I had later found out the hard way that he had laced the water with enough Meth to kill a horse.
He told me about who he thought were informants, one of whom was later found dead by the police, hung from a tree, and he kept questioning me, convinced that I was a 'snitch'. He would then walk up to me and punch me, lightly at first, and I would punch back by reflex, then he would punch me harder. I finally quit fighting the beatings, because the more I fought, the harder he would punch.
He then told me that he and his partners had taken my best friend, murdered him and had pushed him back in to a shallow grave that they had dug out in the country. At that point, I was so high from the 'water' that he had given to me, that I was starting to picture, very vividly, what it was that he was telling me about my friend, and I started freaking out. I kicked and screamed, trying to free myself, all the while he sat back on an old couch that was at this trailer and laughed at me. Once again, I was useless against the danger that I had unknowingly put myself in.
After being beat on for three days and after three days of virtual torture via hallucinogenic mind games, I was again overdosed on drugs and I had a complete psychotic (nervous) breakdown. This man took me, after he overdosed me for the final time, and dumped me back off at my apartment.
There, after a 911 call, the police found me sitting with my arms wrapped around my legs and rocking in a corner of my apartment, babbling incoherently about my friend being murdered. They thought that I had actually comitted the murder, and they put an APB out for my friend. Thank God they found him alive in Duluth, MN.
The police then called child protection, took my children away from me, placed them in foster care, and deemed me an unfit mother. They tried to pick me up from the floor, but I fought them by kicking and screaming. I was not only hallucinating, but I was so traumatized by everything that had gone on, including everything else in my lifetime that had caught up to me at that particular moment, that not only did I fight them, but I was convinced that everyone was trying to kill me. I fought them so much, that they called an ambulance, got a strait jacket on me and had to pick me up to put me in the ambulance.
Once in the ambulance, I fought them even more, convinced in my tortured mind that they were bringing me somewhere where this man that had me before would be, and then they would all kill me. I kicked and screamed, trying to bite them every time they came near me. I wanted to die, convinced that I would rather die from an overdose than from them trying to torture and kill me, like I was convinced that this other man, my so-called 'friend' had done to my best friend. I did not know at the time that they had found my best friend alive at his brother's home in Duluth.
I spent three days in a psychiatric hospital in St. Paul, MN. The first night that I was there, they had to once again restrain me because I was combative. They put me in another strait jacket, and strapped me down to a bed in a room with rubber padded walls. They then shot me in the hip with something to counter-act the Meth that was in my system. I screamed blood curdling screams as they did this because I was convinced that they had just shot me up with something that was going to kill me instantly. The last thing that I remember hearing them say was that I had enough Meth in my system to kill a horse and that I should have been dead. Then everything went dark.
The drug that they had shot me with had also 'put me to sleep'. I felt like I was indeed asleep, but at the same time, I felt like I was floating above my body looking down at myself dying on the bed. Then everything went dark again. Suddenly, I heard a noise, and while I was 'sleeping', I looked over towards the door where the noise was coming from. I saw a brilliant light so bright that it hurt my eyes to look at it. In the midst of this light, I saw a shadowy figure coming towards me. I felt absolutely no fear, only peace.
Although I could not make out this tall man's face or features because of the brightness of the light, I knew that He was someone that I did not have to fear. He came over to my bedside, placed His hand on me, and I instantly felt warmth enter into my body. Then it all went dark again, only this time, I fell into a deep sleep. I awoke the next morning, feeling absolutely wonderful. I had no ill effects of the Meth that had been in my system at all, and did not go through any sort of withdrawal. I even had a very healthy appetite, and ate large meals when they un-strapped me from the bed.
The doctors could not figure it out. They thought for sure that I would be sick to my stomach and feeling the effects of the Meth for days to come. But yet, here I was, feeling absolutely no effect, and feeling quite fine. Only, sad to say, even after thinking about the Tall Man who had come into my room during the night and touched me, I still did not get it about Who He was, nor did I question it any further.
I just considered myself lucky, and left the psychiatric hospital after 3 days. I did not know how to deal with anything, with life any more. I could not deal with my children being taken away. I was unable to deal with the empty house with my childen not being there. So, I dealt with it the only way that I knew how to. I dealt with it by going on a massive drinking binge. A short while after starting my drinking binge, I was pulled over for my second D.U.I in less than six months and was brought to jail. It changed my life forever.
I was sitting in jail comtemplating suicide at the mess that I had created over my life time. And on top of the mess of my pathetic life, getting pulled over again with another D.U.I had really hurt my case to get my children back from foster care. The county had already warned me when they had taken my kids from me, that if I ever wanted to see my children again, I would have to stay clean, no drinking and no drugs. I was court-ordered to stay clean if I ever wanted my children back again, and I had blown it.
I had hit rock bottom, and I had no way to climb out of the dark pit that I had managed to cast myself in to. I felt that there was absolutely no hope for me. None at all. I felt as though no matter how hard I tried, that I would be unable to have any sort of normal life. I was in utter despair, and became extremely despondant while sitting in jail dwelling on my new-found problems, while still being tortured in my mind over the problems of my past.
After much thought, I decided then that I was going to go ahead and commit suicide because I couldn't stand myself any longer. I didn't like what I had become, and I couldn't stand what I had done to my children by betraying their trust and having them being removed from me.
I just decided that the best thing to do would be to just give up, letting my children be raised by someone else so that they would have a chance at a better life than what I had been giving them. I also reasoned in my mind that nobody would miss me if I died, neither. I had burned all of my bridges, and had lost my family, my friends, my home, my possessions, my income, my children, and almost my life at the hands of a crazed drug dealer who tried to murder me, and I just could not see any hope in anything in my life at all.
It was then that I began to bite down on the thin sheets that were in my cell. I was going to shred them and use them to hang myself from the top bunk of the cell's bed. I bit down into the sheet, only to discover that I could not get them to shred past about 6 inches down. No matter how hard I bit into them trying to tear them, it was as though they were made of steel. I quickly looked around the room for something, anything, sharp that would be of use to me to finish shredding those sheets so that I could kill myself. I found nothing that would be of use to me.
Then the one and only other girl in our cell block invited me to go to a church service that they were having at the jail. At first I refused, but then I decided that I was going to go to this church service as kind of a 'last rites' thing for myself (I used to be Catholic). Yep, I was going to go to church and do the "good-bye cruel world" thing, and then go back to my cell and find something, anything, to shred those sheets with, and kill myself. Heck, if I was lucky, I would be able to find something at the church service that I could smuggle back into my cell and use to help shred the sheets that I so badly wanted to use as a noose for myself.
Instead, Jesus had other plans.
I attended that church service while I was in jail, mainly just to be able to get out of my cramped jail cell, do the 'last rites' thing on myself, and to look for something to shred the sheets with. At first I hated that church service. They had all these HAPPY people coming in to do the services, and I loathed every single one of them. I hated the way that they were always smiling and laughing like they didn't have a care in the world. After all, NOBODY could be THAT happy. It just did not exist in my world.
In spite of my feelings for the church people, I continued to sit at their service. Soon a couple of female pastors took over the service, and one of them wanted to pray for me. I cringed at her touch, but deep down inside of me I longed for ANYONE'S touch of love and compassion. One of the women kept telling me of a God by the Name of Jesus who would accept me just as I was.
I looked at her and told her, "Look, lady. YOU don't know what you're talking about. There is NO WAY that your God would accept me. I'm too dirty for Him. He's too Holy for me. I'm a worthless junkie that your God would not even give the time of day to." She replied, "You don't know our Jesus!"
Something was beginning to happen to me, and I didn't know what it was. I was wanting to believe so badly what this woman was saying, what she was teaching from the Bible, which she kept referring to as 'God's Word'. I was also starting to have some sort of curiosity come over me to 'test the waters' to see if this Jesus Person that they spoke of really existed or not.
After several times of these women praying for me, that day when I returned to my lonely jail cell, I decided to test this thing called Salvation. Deep inside I longed for love, acceptance, and forgiveness. Oh, how I ached for it. I wanted to believe that there was a way out of this horrible mess of a life. It was then that I decided that I was going to see if this Jesus really existed. I got up from my cell cot and went over to the big steel door that was open about three inches, and I swung it wide open and declared, "Okay, Jesus. If You REALLY do exist, then come on in and save me."
Suddenly it was as though an invisible rush of energy overtook the atmosphere. I immediately sensed His presence and I began weeping as I have never wept before. As I lay on my cot broken, I was at peace, and felt Arms of Love around me.
As I lay in the arms of my new-found Savior, I poured my heart out to Him. He knew my despair, and He took it from me. He told me that He loved me, and that He was willing to forgive me of all of my sins. He told me that it did not matter how bad the sin was, the only thing that mattered was that I came to Him. I told Him that if He would take my life and make me what He wanted for me to be, if He would help me to have a life, a REAL life without drugs and alcohol, that I would serve Him for the rest of my life.
All of a sudden my heart was filled with over-whelming joy, and I no longer had a care in the world. I simultaneously found myself stress-free, and I felt the weight of a life time of horror being lifted from me. From that day on, I was always smiling, laughing, and dancing around in my tiny cell with complete joy and happiness at my new-found freedom. I started attending church services with such passion, as I became on fire for more knowledge of God. I talked to Jesus daily, and clung to His promise that He would never leave me. I was swallowed up in the attention, affection, and love that He was pouring down on me, more so by the day. I was completely swallowed up in the love and attention that I was, and still am getting from Jesus.
Shortly after being saved, I finished my 40 day sentence (I'm still floored by the 40 day thing, because I was looking at a 90 day to 1 year sentence) and I voluntarily placed myself into treatment where for the first time in my life, I had a burning desire to really change my life style. I exceeded in treatment, and graduated early. I returned to my apartment and continued with my treatment aftercare.
After I returned home, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, and offered myself to Jesus as a living sacrifice and testimony of the Mercy and Saving Grace of God. I offered myself to Him as a living testimony of true Salvation and the Saving Power of Jesus Christ. I just offered myself to Him...
Shortly there-after I placed my faith once again in Jesus and got my violation of probation sentence drastically reduced, for the second time, from 1 year and a day to next to nothing by giving it to Jesus and letting Him fight my battles for me.
All of a sudden people that I never even met before came forward to pay my bills, and I got the rent paid on my apartment for the time that I was gone in jail. I got my driver's license back in 6 months after it being revoked for 10 years. I got insurance and a vehicle with-in one week of getting my license back. I got all my bills paid up, and I got a REAL job for the first time in my life shortly after I returned home.
I cried out to my God about my children, and how I longed to have them back. I cried out to my God, Jesus, distraught, and wept before Him as I asked Him why my children, whom were still in foster care, had to suffer for what I did.
Then one day shortly after crying out to Jesus, I was sitting at home and out of the blue child protection called. The worker assigned to my case told me "We don't know why we're doing this, it goes against our recommendations, but we are court-ordering your children back into your home. They'll be home tomorrow."
It was so long since they were removed, and it was shortly before the deadline was up for the state to keep them permanently. I got on my knees and I thanked Jesus, and I wept like I have never wept before!
I have gotten blessing after blessing from my Father since I was saved, by far the greatest of these blessings being His Son, Jesus!!! Because of Him, I got my life back!!! Because of Him, I was snatched back from the brink of death and put into a place of Eternal Life through Him!!! Because of Him, I am FREE from not only drugs and alcohol, but also FREE from the torment of my past, for I am made new through Him!!! He delivered me from all of my demons, trials and tribulations, and He continues to take good care of me, even now!!!
I no longer feel worthless. I know that I am loved and cherished by my Heavenly Father. I know that I am totally pleasing in the eyes of my Father. I have never felt more loved and accepted in my life. I praise God and I thank Him for giving me Jesus. No longer do I have to do sinful things just to try to fit in with the crowd. I actually fit in with the Right Family all along, but just found that out the hard way for most of my life. I will never forget that day I got saved in my jail cell on November 18, 1999! I wouldn't trade what I have with Jesus for anything in the world. And I fit in....at last!!!
NOTE: Is it any wonder that I have a heart for the lost and hurting? It is my desire to get through to the 'unloved', the 'unwanted', the 'unsaved', the 'backslidden', the 'chemically dependent', the 'abused', 'abandoned', 'rejected' and 'hurt' people all over the world and let them know that there is a way out, and His Name is Jesus! I want them to know that if Jesus can save an ex-'junkie' like me, that He is willing to save THEM and change their lives forever as well!
www.propheticimpressions.com
"Reaching out to a hurting world by teaching the TRUTH of FREEDOM in Jesus Christ!"
Tags: testimonies
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Glinda Marksin on -
I am happy you finally found the love and peace you deserved long ago. I also was abused as a child. It was what took my childhood & innocence from me at a very young age. It only stopped when the abuser died from medical problems. I was an adult until I could tell anyone. I think the worst part is the fact that I can't figure out why my mother would bring this person into our home when she was also abused by him during her childhood. I know my mom loves me and it tore her apart when she found out he hurt me, too. But she could have prevented it. I love my mom & it breaks my heart to think these things, but I would never allow a monster into my home around my son. Lately, since I found Him, I've been trying to forgive & move on but it's very hard. I know I could use some help but am still too ashamed to search for it. The abuse hasn't been discussed among my family in years. So I still suffer in silence, even though I've married a wonderful man & have been blessed with a beautiful son. This abuse has ruined so many things I should have enjoyed in life. I simply don't have the nerve or heart to ask my mom why she let this person live with us when she knew what he was. I understand she felt responsible for him, he was her dad. But I feel she chose that over her own daughter. How horrible am I?
Rev. Mary Scanlon, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your story. You have given a little more light on my life. I know I can be happy, and after reading about you I also know it doesn't have to be so far away. If you can pull through, maybe I can, too.
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Permalink Reply by Rev. Mary Scanlon on
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Blessings to you in the Mighty Name of Jesus!
Thank you for responding to my post. Before I came to Christ, I very much felt like you do now. Because of everything that I had been through, I had years of built-up resentment, bitterness, and hatred that was eating away at me like a cancer. I had tried to get over everything that had happened to me, tried to forget about it, but couldn't. It seemed that the wound was too deep for me to just 'get over it'.
It was only after I came to Christ and allowed Him to 'go deep' with me that I was finally set free. Not only did I have to give the pain to Him, give all that hatred, bitterness and resentment to Him, but I had to forgive the abusers as well. Yes, that was hard, VERY HARD, but the LORD also impressed upon me two things:
1: It is a DIRECT COMMAND from Him to forgive those who have sinned against us, in order for our Father to forgive us of our sins. ( Matthew 6:14-15)
After a rather lengthy conversation with the LORD in which I was crying out to Him about how hard it was to forgive these people, He gently reminded me that bitterness, resentment and hatred WERE NOT Godly characteristics.
Then He went deeper with me. He told me that the reason that I was having such a hard time forgiving these people and letting go was because deep down inside I thought that I had 'the right to be right' about the offense. You see, I had the wrong thinking that because the offenses were so horrible, that it gave me 'the right' to hang onto the unforgiveness that I really felt was 'justified'.
I had even managed to convince myself that because of what they did, that surely God would see the 'justification' of my unforgiveness and let it slide. NOT SO. God is not a respector of persons, and He reminded me that His rules apply to EVERYBODY, not 'everybody except Mary because she's had some really horrible things happen to her, so I think I'll let her slide'.
2: He then embraced me and as He held me, He told me that when I received Him as my Savior, that meant that I had given EVERYTHING about me, including my life, to Him. He said that meant that HE now OWNED EVERYTHING about me. That He had PAID FOR IT IN FULL with His blood. He made me realize that because He now owned EVERYTHING of mine, that the offenses were no longer mine, they were HIS.
Then He went on to remind me that when He shed His blood for me at the cross, that it was also shed so that we could be FREE from the pains of our past, that the 'old man' was dead, and that we were made NEW through Him. NEW, NEW, NEW!
He told me to really think about that, so I did. If the 'old man', the 'old Mary' had died when I came to Christ, that meant that everything that I had gone through had died as well the minute I nailed them to that cross with Jesus. Who was I to try to take them back down from that cross and take them back? OUCH!
Why would I want to try to 'undo' something that Christ had already done for me by hanging onto that offense that Jesus had already been so horribly beaten for so that I could be FREE from it? I began to get more of an understanding of who I was in Christ at that point.
Jesus wouldn't hang on to that offense that they did to me any more than He would hang on to the offenses that they did to Him when they crucified Him. What they did to Him was far worse than what has EVER been done to me, and yet, our God is still full of Forgiveness, Mercy and Grace toward known 'abusers', even those that have hurt ME.
Then He had me think about Paul. Here's Paul, social outcast, mass murderer, big-time Christian hater, full of not only every un-Godly characteristic possible, but also extremely rebellious toward God and His ways, His people, His EVERYTHING.
Jesus reminded me that if someone like Paul could 'get past' everything that had made HIM the way that he was, to go on to become one of the greatest Apostles in the Bible, then surely little old me could move on past all that stuff that was no longer a part of me because I was NOW IN CHRIST.
The point He really made? If I'm REALLY in Christ, then how could it be possible that all of that hatred, bitterness and resentment be IN CHRIST as well? It can't be.
If I'm IN CHRIST, then CHRIST IS IN ME. The Spirit of the Living God lives inside of me, and we SHARE this house. I am a temple of the HOLY SPIRIT OF GOD. No room for un-Godly characteristics. They had to go.
So, I had to choose.
I had the choice of either taking back all of those offenses that the LORD had already shed His blood for, and be downright miserable dwelling on the past while at the same time practicing rebellion (rebelling against Him, against His commandment to forgive - which, by the way, He says in His Word that "Rebellion is as the sin of WITCHCRAFT" - double ouch!)
Or I could choose to TRULY BE IN CHRIST, forgive the abusers, let go once and for all of every single hurt of my past, be FREE from them for good, and BE HEALED from the pain of the past to move on to become the VICTORIOUS WARRIOR that I have been (as WE ALL HAVE BEEN!) called to be!
So I thought this: Would JESUS hang on to all the garbage of the past or would He get over it, move on, and go kick the devils butt for what he's still doing to people? (Obvious answer here!)
So I gave MY WILL completely up to JESUS. I'm choosing to BE IN CHRIST, meaning that I have no business, NO RIGHT, to re-visit old wounds and try to rip them wide open time and again after what JESUS voluntarily went through in order for us to be FREE from those very things. Hanging on to it's not what Jesus would do. Nor is it His desire to see any one of us still suffering from that which He knows was so painful and caused us much grief.
I'm choosing to 'CRUSH THE HEADS' of those serpents that I already have the VICTORY over because of what JESUS did, because to BE IN CHRIST means to TRULY be like JESUS is, in EVERY WAY. I can't just pick and choose what parts of the Bible that I want to follow. I have to follow ALL of it, or I'm really not following it at all!
I just really want to encourage you, that while you are still in that place of pain and sorrow, that is THE BEST TIME to really press in to JESUS, and let Him in to go DEEP with you. Let Him pull out every single one of those deep splinters from the wounds, and let the Holy Ghost go in with all of the FIRE that He's been known to heal people with, and let Him close up those wounds for good.
He will help you forgive those who have hurt you, and believe me, there is such a SWEET REWARD that will be instantaneous the very moment that you release those that have hurt you to the LORD and truly forgive them! You will definately get a good feel of what it TRULY means to be FREE! It's well worth it.
I will be praying for you, and I hope to hear from you again as you grow even more in Christ and raise up to be not only VICTORIOUS, but also the WARRIOR that you've been called to be!
P.S....From Jesus: "I have heard your many cries, and know of your many hurts. I am here with you, though there have been many times that you have felt that I was not. I have not left you, nor will I EVER leave you. I love you more than you could ever know, and it is at this time that I long for you to press into more of Me as I embrace everything about you. Though you have felt that at times you were not good enough for me, I am telling you now that you have ALWAYS been good enough for Me, for I have loved you long and hard since that day that I first formed you in your Mother's womb. I have plans for you, plans that I long to fulfil if only you would come to Me and trust Me with your very life. That pain which you have known, I shall take from you and replace it with My joy, My strength, My power, as My Spirit comes in like a flood, quenching the thirst that you have known for many days now. Drink of me, says the LORD, for there you shall surely find Living Waters for your very soul, and there you shall find the freedom and healing that you so desire."
Be Blessed (because you are!)
Rev. Mary Scanlon
www.propheticimpressions.com
"Reaching out to a hurting world by teaching the TRUTH of FREEDOM in Jesus Christ!"
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JESUS is King! Thanks for your response to my post. It is only because of HIM that I am able to do ANYTHING at all! And if sharing my story reaches even one person that is hurting or lost and brings them to Christ, then it is well worth it! Blessings to you!
Rev. Mary
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Permalink Reply by Leni Racca on -
I was so touched by your story and it brought tears to my eyes.I was never like you but I felt connected.Maybe because have an adopted son who is actyally my half brother.As he was growing up I felt and maybe the child felt too that he was not accepted by my siblings.But for me the moment I took him in my arms when he was just a baby,I felt that bond between us.All of his 13years I smothered him w/ so much love and hardly a day goes by w/out him by my side.I was very protective of him.I remember one time when I was putting him to sleep,I prayed God for this child that He had given me to take care of.And that was the time that I promised God that if this child will one day commit himself to His ministry I will not stand in the way.I have forgotten that.Just recently,ain the youth camp my son attended last Arpil,he came forward when the Pastor invited the young boys to who will commit theirlife to the Lord.My son was one of them.He is only 13y/o but he already knows what he wants to do in his life to serve Jesus.After much talk w/ him,my husband and I were fully convince that he was for the Lord's ministry.Now he is Bible school,one of the youngest in his age group.I cried every nigt because I missed him but I know that he is taken cared of by God.I told myself that I should'nt be selfish because he will be doing this for the Lord.I always go back to Samuel's story in the Bible.That before he was born,his mother,Hannah already dedicated him to the Lord.We are felt blessed by this.And I know that it will be a lasting legacy for him too.I am happy for you Rev.Mary.And I admire your strength and courage.God will always be w/ you.Praise God for your ministry.
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Permalink Reply by Tony on -
This was a trult remarkable journey, I give god all the Glory for what he has done not only for you but the people that you and him will touch in the future. My own sister after 3 years of being clean has slipped back into the drug scene, but I that God with His Grace and Mercy will keep her and she will have a Testimony to tell the world. Keep her in your Prayers. and May God continue to Bless You Greatly.
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Permalink Reply by Mary O on -
Hi Mary,
Your story blessed me a lot. Do you have your own fellowship or church? I live in Minneapolis. Just wondering if I could stop by. :-)
God bless!
Mary O.
MaryO75@live.com
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Blessings to you! I would love to get together with you and have a 'God chat'! You may email me at my mail address of info@propheticimpressions.com, and leave me your schedule of when you're available, and we'll go from there!
Rev. Mary
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