Should an unbelieving wife,keep a believing husband from doing whats right for the Lord?

[Joe-Gil]

With those out there in this situation..God Bless You...
For some time now it has come to my attention that our marriage is pretty much based on how to appease my part of the marriage by making and doing what ever it takes to make my wife happy in order not to fight ,argue or what have you. But last sunday while leaving church the pastors son, whom I never met before ran out to greet me. For whatever reason only God Knows, we talked a bit about misc. things than I asked him about the worship band ,which if you know me ,is a passion of mine. To use my vocal abilities for the Lord. Years I have put that on the back burner to substantiate my wifes happiness to not hear the unahappy voice in the back of my head "your always gone at church, I need help with your son." Now I think 1/2 day on sunday, and 1/2 night at church on wednesday for service and practice is not to much to as for is it? I start to feel guilty that I'm leaving my wife to deal with our son on her own, not to mention now that were fighting about this which lasts for weeks at a time, another voice creeps in God doesn't like you fighting with your wife is that what Jesus would do. So I appease this issue with be good to your wife,don't fight with her, take of your son and stay home, and thats what happens. Over time over and over again this has happened. Which in turn, no church, no worship band, complete cut off from other believers , other than this site. It's so hard to deal with this when by the Lords word we are to not start grief and unaccordance with each other. Than the voice again, if you just go to church ,well then maybe eventually she will eave on her own, and God says if the unbelieveing wife/husband leaves let him/her. I don't know it just seems kinda petty stuff, when all i had to do is stay home and tend to my wife and son. Then she wouldn't leave me. No discord in the marriage and family..What to do? Thats the Question.

[journeymanhd]

Hello;
Our Lord speaks to us in many languages and he uses "signs" to help us know what is right. I believe as a husband of over thirty years I see you missing some signs here. Perhaps, your wife is afraid of losing you? I know you are very passionate about your belief in God and Jesus. I am the very same way. My wife has told me she would not want my beliefs to somehow stop me from Loving her. She is a believer and yet she has this "fear". A natural fear from any human. I have told her how much she means to me. But, she stills likes to hear it from me. Just as I like her to tell me. My wife is my gift from God. That is how she is treated. I am not perfect. I fall sometimes. I don't hear the "language she is speaking" or the signs she gives me. It is my belief that your wife is fearful of losing you to your "passions". You must let her know she is part of that passion. Always, forever, in your heart a true gift from our God. Put her up there on the top of your list. Your signs here are "help me", " your son needs you". I guarantee if you listen with an open heart you'll hear fear in her voice. Even anger comes from fear also sometimes. Show her a genuine believer. A Christian man passionate about his Lord and his family. A little sacrifice now will make a difference later. Open your heart, soften your voice so you can hear the sounds and see the signs. God placed you in a wonderful family. Steady your course and sail with Jesus. Everybody needs to make it home safe and sound. No jumping ship because the storms are strong. God is your Captain my young friend.
May God Bless you
journeymanhd

[Steve]

journeymanhd, I feel you judged this man based on your own experience. Instead of addressing his question, you addressed assumed issues on your part not knowing him personnally and I feel we've had more than enough of this in the body of Christ.

[Moomins]

Joe, this is a tough one. In any marriage there has to be a certain amount of 'me' time, I would be interested to know if your wife has any interests that don't involve you or does she like to 'get away' for a few hours shopping etc, just to have some time alone.
Maybe she spends 24/7 with your son and feels it unfair that you 'leave' her to take care of him. Have you guys actually sat down and spoke calmly about the situation or is there just the riot when you want to go to practice.
You should ask her to speak to you about it or even write down her objections and how it makes her feel when you want to leave the house and have fellowship, she may even feel that she comes second to fellowship, when all you are really looking for is a balance. Is she really upset because you are leaving her with your little boy or because you are going to church, something she is not involved with. You may even be able to take your son along to practice sometimes.
Both of you should put pen to paper writing down exactly how you feel about the situation, let her know how important this is to you, but also show her you are willing to compromise/come and go a little.
God wouldn't want you and your wife to be arguing and im sure he would be looking for a healthy balance of Church and family life.
I am not in this situation and only experienced life with a non-believer for a very short period of time. As a Christian though, all I can say is keep calm, and try to find that balance of keeping in your life whats important to you. God does say let the unbelieving spouse leave, but im sure none of you want that either.
I am praying that your wife see's the importance in your fellowship activites and comes to an understanding with you, for the sake of your family.
take care
joe

[Carla]

Hey Joe....big sigh....Gosh...your house sounds like mine! Only reversed! However, my husband has 'let' me go to church because he has many activities which he participates in, and I let him freely do what he wants, as i am certain you would do for your wife. Also, my home church on wednesdays and prayer group on tuesdays are during the day...so they do not 'interfere' with family time. He has many complaints when i am on the computer on this site, so we have discussed it, and i have agreed to schedule my time so that he is not home when i am on here...except the occasional quick checking of messages.

I know he feels threatened like he's loosing me...because he's told me that! I am trying to do my best to assure him that I'm just as much 'with him' as i have always been.

I understand and relate when you say:
For some time now it has come to my attention that our marriage is pretty much based on how to appease my part of the marriage by making and doing what ever it takes to make my wife happy in order not to fight ,argue or what have you.....just replace 'wife' with 'husband'. sometimes i feel that i just have to be happy all the time around him. I feel that i can't get impatient, or tired, or faulter in any way...because then in his eyes this Christianity thing would be 'fake'. It is such a misunderstanding of nonbelievers....they don't get it.... They don't understand God's Grace, or that we now have the strong desire to please God, and constantly remain in fellowship with him. Somehow it feels like they expect us to be perfect...which is unfair and unrealistic! BUT...they do not understand. So that brings us to forgiveness. Just as our HEavenly Father has forgiven us, we must forgive them.

If you can, sit down with your wife and talk to her. Let her see your page here, and all of your responses and posts if she will look. Let her ask her own questions....and lovingly and prayerfully answer them. God is Mighty to Save! I am holding on to that truth for my husband. I just said to a friend today 'I wish I could hand my husband over to Jesus 'physically' instead of 'spiritually', then he would see with those beautiful brown eyes of his. But, God's ways are better than our ways! God loves your wife more than you do!

God Bless you brother.....Let us 'fight the good fight..and finish the race'

Revelation 21:1-4

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the old heaven and the old earth had disappeared. And the sea was also gone. And I saw the holy city, the new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven like a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.
I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look, God's home is now among His people! He will live with them, and they will be His people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain, All these things are gone forever."

Stand Strong in the truth of what is yet to come!
You sister ~ In HIm..carla

[Joe-Gil]

Hey Sis,

Wow ,never thought I would get so many responses to this. What you said has totally hit home with walking on egg shells around her. i have done some messed up stuff in the past and still to this day she throws it in my face. Your such a hypocrite,and what you said again she then dismisses my faith as some excuse to bail out. So wrong, she doesn't get grace and most likely won't until full submission of her self to Christ. She is very much a need to be ,no will be in control of her life individual. Pride is so hard to break. Especially when the world she lives in , just doesn't exist. I will pray like never before. We are two sperate people living in the same house with a different basis for this life..No spiritual connection is there. it's such a facads ,,It drives me crazy. You just want to shake them ,and scream wake up!!!! But like you said are ways are wrong..I must lean on to Gods understanding,not mine...So in this I must decrease, so the Lord may increase..Love ya Sis...God Bless you and your family...

[ActualMaureen]

What a hard situation for you! And as a mom who often feels totally worn out and depleted by my kids, I can kind of understand where your wife is coming from. While she needs your love and support... you need spiritual filling and support too... like others say, there needs to be a balance. What if you offered to hire a sitter one night a week so that she can have a night off? Aside from the fact that you want time at church, do you ever just have a date night with your wife? Can you think of other ways you can show your wife that you love her?

I might be stepping out of line here... but maybe as the man of the house, you need to assert some authority here. Maybe now is not the time to jump into the worship group, but you certainly have a "right" to attend church. Maybe that is the starting place? Maybe some frank conversation with your wife is in order? Something along the lines of "I love you, and I want you to be happy, but attending church every sunday is very important to me, so unless there is some emergency, I will be at the service Sunday morning". Perhaps if she is overwhelmed by caring for your child, you can take him with you? Perhaps you can offer her a night off once a week where she can go out and do something that interests her?

What is really motivating her behavior? I think its important to sort that out. Is she afraid? Insecure? Depressed? Fatigued? Bored? Unhappy? Why does she feel threatened by your attending church? Perhaps in a completely seperate conversation, you can talk about how SHE is feeling, and what would help her feel better and explore solutions this way. She might not be too happy when/if you announce that you are going to church despite her protests, but I can almost guarentee as a woman she will really appreciate it if you take the time to expore how she is feeling, and help her find solutions.

[Tessa]

Hi Joe,
It is unbeleivable how many families have the same challenge, Satan is really busy, he will not win, we have Jesus on our side, my husband Shaun is almost like your wife, we hardly go to church, fortunately God is teaching me how to be a submissive wife, which I never used to be. What I find that seems to be working is I make suggestions, like now with my daughter been sick, I asked Shaun please can we say a quick prayer together and then he does, I started in the mornings asking him what do you think can we perhaps say a prayer of protection before we leave the house in the mornings, we have started, so I gradually ask him what does he think, I dont know if this is the right way of doing it but I know that a family that prayers together stays together, so I stick to these little prayers as a family, my next step is to pray together when we have meals together, so I take one step at a time, yes I pray and ask God to change his heart before I ask him. I used to feel like I am leading a double life, Christian at work and in Church and at home quiet about God afraid mention Jesus and how awesome he is. God has shown me overtime he will always be there for me even if I am mocked and scorned, I am not afraid anymore, I cannot hide my excitment about Jesus.
Being submissive is a huge thing, I used to be this career woman who takes no orders from any male, and always had to earn the most in the house, I am not like that anymore, I gave up my cushy job, big career everything as God instructed and have handed all this to Shaun, I think it is a big change for him, it is an amaizing change for me. I beleive that if he can see the changes in me and when we pray together he will start longing for the same things. God is working with families, retoring, just keep praying.
Love
Tessa
In Jesus Name

[Joe-Gil]

You are right, I might not see my wife and son come to know Christ in this lifetime...God I pray I do though. All I can say is that it is disheartning for me to watch this happening before my eyes, knowing what I know. All the blessings I recieve she recieves , I only hope she sees them as i do, and not take them for granted. Pride is her biggest nemesis. Needing to be in control of everything and not letting God take control of herself, is a dangerous and treacherous road to take. You know how everyone has their rock bottom to hit before they realize what they need and never had to realize they were missing that one thing that keeps you alive. I believe in my heart that is what will have to happen for my wife to come to Jesus.. It's really sad commentary really. Thank you for your response it does help more than you know.

[charlotte // sunshine]

Joe i live in the very same life but he is jahovas wittness wiyh very bad bipolar 2 he allso hears voices sees demons he tells me to look .he ask me if i am scard /no i say greater is he that is in me than anything in this world .gets kinda freakie some times. but prayer is the code .it is a very hard life and a lonsom life i tried leaving ,but i cant make it along so i pray for god to lead me .i have no one to talk to most have passed. its not going to be long god is on his way.pray and read your bible .the only way i have found ..HOLD ON god is on your side. charlotte

[Bob B]

Appease is a dangerous word, it was because I had this same mind set that I have been separated from my wife for 2 years. When you just appease to keep the peace, it is deceptive on your part and will create in you a deep resentment that will boil over and affect your relationship. Scripture warns not to let a root of bitterness spring up in you.
We must never go beyond the love point. It is like giving money in an offering which you are compelled to give. Never go beyond the love point. You need to sit down with you wife and let her know the truth about what your doing by appeasing her. There has to be a compromise where you both can agree what is best for your family. I am the king of appeasers, who began to live my wife’s life and not my own; I became so angry all the time and developed resentment. My wife and I have talked and I have told her I was wrong in allowing myself to become embittered, and have determined to never let it happen again. God has given each of us a race to run in, it is like a relay race; we need to run our best race; that means also we must encourage others to do the same. Marriage does not mean we stop running our race to accommodate another person, it just means we have some one who is there to help us to run a better race than we could on our own.

[lawsy40]

Joe I don t get to check in much and this is my first time visiting your discussion page . Interestingly enough I attended The Potters House Church today and Bishop Jakes is doing a series on singles and married. Today was for the married. I would strongly encourage you to purchase this tape. He spent a lot of time on the subject and especially that of the unequally yoked. Im not sure what the Theme was other than Married . For singles it s called " Before I do ". He just started this last week. I too an in a unequally yoked marriage that is difficult. I was glad my husband attended the service. What he got out of it I don t know but it left my spirit at peace. I think you can get tape info at 1800bishop2 or II. You can also go to T.D.Jakes.org It is better for you to hear it yourself than my trying to explain everything in text. Be Blessed !

[MaryAnn]

Hello Joe,

I feel for you! My daughter, Carla, is also going through this same thing with her husband, as she wrote in her note. I know it is very challenging for her, and she is doing an awesome job....a very difficult situation indeed! We pray a lot together.

Anyway, I wanted to suggest or throw out one other suggestion. Would your wife consider attending a 'Marriage Course'. Maybe there is one being held near you. If you wanted to check, you could go to: www.themarriagecourse.com. This course has helped many; it is based on Christian values, but certainly anyone can benefit from knowing how to deal effectively with your differences, and taking the time to work things out.

It is a seven-week course that gives you tools to build a strong and healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime. Each of the seven evenings start with a candlelit dinner together, just the two of you, then you watch a video presentation, with a different topic each week. Topics are discussed over dessert and coffee between the two of you. The seven weeks topics are:
Week 1 - Building Strong Foundations
Week 2 - The Art of Communication
Week 3 - Resolving Conflict
Week 4 - The Power of Forgiveness
Week 5 - Parents and In-Laws
Week 6 - Good Sex
Week 7 - Love in Action

The video talks are delivered with delightful humour, and provide tools to build a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime. The two of you will be talking about important issues that can get swept under the carpet in the rush of daily life. They will be brought to light so you can deal with them, and you will have a special Marriage Time together, once a week, to discuss things.

If your wife would be open to something like this, and if it is available in your area, the course has saved many marriages. If not maybe you could prepare a candlelit dinner for her and watch the video at home. Huh? What about that? Anyway, the books used in this course are:
'The Marriage Book' (How to Build a Lasting Relationship)
by: Nicky and Sila Lee ISBN 13: 978-1-931808-48-4 and
you will each need a manual 'The Marriage Course Manual'
(How to build a healthy marriage that lasts a lifetime.)
ISBN 13: 978-1-931808-50-7.

A Video and also a DVD of this material are also available.
May God bless you brother!

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. KJV

MaryAnn