Self Forgiveness and Healing

[Naomi]

My story is quite long and complicated, but I'll try to make this short as possible.
When I was a child I made a vow to God that I would not have sex before I was married. Unfortunately at the age of 22 I broke that vow, with the man I would eventually marry. Although I only had one sexual partner, I contracted the HIV virus from my husband the first time we had sex (outside of marriage).

Although I asked for God's forgiveness, to this day, I feel as if God judged me for breaking the covenant I made to him as a child.

Today, although I am a musician and worship leader in my local church and though God uses me to touch and even heal others; I have extreme difficulty believing that God can heal me or even wants to heal me from this disease. In many ways I feel as if God is willing to heal and answer anybody else's prayer except mine.

I think that I still feel I deserve to be punished and that HIV/AIDS is an unchangeable curse that somone brings upon themselves if they disobeyed God. I want to believe that God can heal anybody, but how can I know His will concerning me?

By the way i have not been able to tell anyone about my status publicly, including my family. My parents are pastors and I think it may devestate them to know that their daughter is HIV positive

[Bob B]

Naomi, 1John 1:9 was written for Christians. Sin is sin and When Jesus died on the cross, he died for all the sins of the World, past, present and future. He did not fall off His throne because you failed and sinned. We are all guilty, but because of Christ we are blameless. I feel heart broken because of your story. The truth is that we have to live with the consequences of our sins; in your case it has cost you a tremendous price. I really wish you would allow at least your parents know. You need them and their love to walk with you through this. No one has the right to be your judge either because they do not know all the facts. Preacher’s kids are put up on a pedestal to much in the church and many walk away from the faith because of the pressure or collapse under it. It is good that you started this group. You will be suppressed at how much mercy and compassion there is in the body of Christ

[Naomi]

Thank you for your words of encouragement..especially where your said that God did not fall off His throne because I failed and sinned. I guess I'm not the only one who has failed. I think I'm going to continue to seek God for the grace and strength to continue to live my life for him inspite of the pain and especially when I can't always understand everything.

[Mandy]

Dear Naomi; trust me girl if everyone contracted HIV because they had sex outside of marriage, there would be a much larger population of HIV people running around out there. And if you have repented, then God has forgiven you. I work in an ICU as a critical care nurse. I have seen many HIV patients in my life as a nurse. Some have gotten through their spouses cheating on them! We cannot go around blaming the bad things of this earth on some sin we committed. I believe that God can do all things, but I also believe that God allows certain things to happen for certain reasons. It could be to make our relationship with him a closer one. Or to witness to others that although you stand in this world with this illness; God is your rock!! And people will want to have that inner peace you have. So stay strong and keep on witnessing to others. Love in Christ Mandy

[Naomi]

Thank you also for your words of encouragement ...I truly believe that God did allow this to happen to me for certain reasons...I am going to have to continue to seek HIm to find out what those reasons are and how I can use this situation to be a better witness for Him. Please pray that I find the strength one day to truly believe that He is able and will always work things out for my good in the end.

[M-Rie]

Hi!

Im sorry to hear that you have contracted the HIV virus from your husband.

I know that when we are young and in love we do silly things...believe me I know...

But I also know that God is with you every step of the way...

[Nica]

Hi Naomi! thanks for sharing your story. Dont give yourself a hard time to this, God forgave you already when you repented from your sin!

hope this verse helps you,
James 5:15 - And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.
2Cor 12:9 - "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness"

Trust in Lord always..He has healed you!
I'll continue to pray for you and for your family as well.
God bless you!